NCLB: The Football Version

This is hilarious - but isn't it sad that it is so true that it's funny?- via Steve Dembo:

1. All teams must make the state playoffs, and all will win the championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held accountable.

2. All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time and in the same conditions. No exceptions will be made for interest in football, a desire to perform athletically, or genetic abilities or disabilities. ALL KIDS WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL.

3. When players arrive at any game with remedial skills in football for any reason, their coaches will be penalized for their performance, regardless of how long the players have been on the team.

4. If remedial players do not achieve proficiency by the next statistically recorded game, their coaches and athletic directors will be put on probation. After several games of probation, coaches and athletic directors may be released. Coach and athletic director probation and release will not be conditional on the size of gains in the remedial players football skills; players must reach proficiency.

5. Talented players will be asked to work out on their own without instruction. Coaches will use all their instructional time with the athletes who aren’t interested in football, have limited athletic ability or whose parents don’t like football.

6. All coaches will be proficient in all aspects of football, or they will be released.

7. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in the 4th, 8th and 11th games.

8. This will create a New Age of sports where every school is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimal goals.

If no football player gets ahead, then no football player will be left behind.

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